A day off

Well, this is not what the second post was to be, but just wanted to write today, so ..... doing it. Just her day's itinerary.
She had an awesome day... like the usual. Got up to find out that she was late, very late. Dressed up and missed breakfast. Went to office, got bored, came back for lunch. Didnt go back again. Watched and watched Friends. Got depressed and cried. Called up a friend and Murphy's laws always holds. Connection problems, did not get through. Decided to go out shopping. Did not find anything that she needed. Lost the way in a foreign country in pretty low temperatures on the way back and the best thing, it started raining. Found her way home and cooked pizza. It had too much tomato. Opened the mail to find an accusation which wasnt even her fault. Frustrated. Cut her hand and went to sleep. Forever.

One Morning

A Reflection - Fachhochschule Hof, Germany

She woke up to an aching head and puffy eyes. Her head spun terribly. It took her a moment to steady herself and to keep from falling into bed again. But she could not remember anything. She tried to recollect the night's incidents, but it was too much stress for her already splitting head, so she dropped it and decided to go in for a hot shower. While she ruffled through her stuff, the open laptop on the bed caught her eye and it all came back to her in a rush.

She had been awfully upset last night. But now that she had calmed down and slept over it, she thought, was it right to be pissed off at him? In fact she wondered whether she was pissed off or just disconcerted. But all this thought could wait till the shower, b'cause she desperately needed a calming drugging effect. If then she felt, it had been unreasonable, she could forget the whole thing and get back to normal as if nothing had happened. It was easy because she had never told him she was frantic, so for him nothing had anyways changed.

She gathered all her things and was off to bathe. The warm shower pacified her instantly. Ritualistically, as always, weird incidents played through her head and following them a sequence of imaginations, observations and analysis. During one of these eccentric moments, a bizarre thought struck her abruptly. A thought which destroyed the entire life ahead of her. She stood there, unaware of the hot water spraying down her back. A moment too late, it hurt and she pulled herself back, rallying in a state of semi-consciousness. Everything else wiped off her mind for those few minutes.It seemed ages since she had woken up. Her whole world had suddenly turned upside down. How could she not have realized for all these times. And now it had caught her off-guard. She surely did not need any more impending debacles at this point of time. She had enough spice in her mortal existence to go on for years. She wanted to cry out loud but no voice came out.

She stood there, numb. She had just realized that in the recent past she had been living a hollow life entirely. Why did she need to 'think' what she must feel? Wasn't feeling and emotion spontaneous? Yes they were, until a while ago, the time she had crossed dead ends everywhere, had confronted disappointment in every venture. Not monetary or ambitious ventures, emotional ones. She was faced with pain and humiliation of the kind she had never experienced before and it crushed her. But eventually she arose a new person, changed, then she thought, for the better. She suppressed her heartfelt intuitions and trained herself to follow the path which made 'others' happy or which was 'right', regardless of what it meant for her. She succeeded.

Her sagacity had ruined her. It had been so easy just to single out the conscientious avenue each time she was confronted with a fork. Exceptionally perceptive of the mind's psychology and the human brain's emotions, she was wise and her wisdom had made the task simpler. She just hadn't stopped to think what did 'she feel'. And now that she had, she found herself devoid of sentiment, of zeal, of empathy. She had no feeling left in her any more. Today, she risked the ordeal, endeavored to discern herself, but it dawned on her, she was neither upset nor outraged, she was nothing, just an empty vacuum space. It did not really bother her what would ensue next. But she had 'believed' all this time that she was grieved 'cause that's what she had habituated herself to do, when destiny had been very mean to her. It had been her rapprochement. And now she had paid a huge price for it. She had traded her soul, irretrievably and painfully.

Then, she had not known, it would approach this juncture. It had just been a transient panacea for reconciliation. Now the only seam of her present and past were her eyes. Her serene, vacant eyes were surged with a spasm of emotion. She looked into the mirror and dressed herself. Her old self looked back at her and blinked. She could do nothing, she was paralyzed. She stole away from herself and with one last glance into her eyes, she turned and headed to work.

The Reason

THAT'S ME WITH "THE WORLD" !! :) - Salzburg Museum, Austria

If you are wondering this has something to do with Hoobastank - The Reason, No is the answer. Though I am unusually fond of the song and somehow the song is in perfect resonance with my emotional vibes at times, this post has not been inspired by it at. Now back to where we should be. I wondered what would score to be the most appropriate post as 'The First Post' to my blog which mind you, I am planning to follow up for a long time, unlike some of my other prospects. I thought I would answer some of the questions right at kickoff, which include my selections and primarily why I chose an alias, Kristen. ( Ah! Pen Name if you like it that way. ) Plus this post would betray a lot about me to the people who are perceptive to it. Nothing is random, nothing is arbitrary ( For IIT janta: read arbit). Everything is symbolic and has a reason.

CAUTION: Read only if you really think you want to. Else it might incur permanent damage to the brain.

I guess the blog title demands the prime spot. The first sight of the 'Blog title' text bar, bang at the onset initiated a chain reaction of thoughts through me (Pah! I cannot help be a science gal). I scrolled everything and anything through my mind in search of just the right one. I sifted through 'Missing the drive' to indicate as to what the content might turn out to be, but somehow it did not fit. I wondered whether it should be something more optimistic or maybe it should reveal my disposition. Such thoughts streamed through at the speed of light until...it struck me! Why do I wish to blog at all? And hence the hurdle was crossed, the tough jump over the first chasm.

Seemingly less cogent, but highly so, was the template selection. The color was to sketch my person, mirror my temperament. Lightly breezing through all the alternatives, I found two of them to my taste. One black, the shade of me over the past few days, and the other, dotted with a white background, symbolizing positivity and hope, each color spelling a unique virtue to me. ( And also it was just cute!! in a girly sort of way ). But then... both seemed incomplete. So I resumed the search. And would you believe it! Miraculously there it was, right in the end, the blend of dark and color. I am still dumbfounded.

And now, time for the pinnacle change. Kristen. To be frank, I do not know why. It might be because, its the most outward reason, I do not connect to my name. I don't know how many of you will bind sense to it, but those who have been confronted with it, will understand. ( And Kristen appeals to me, I associate myself to it, somehow... Cute name na :) ). But somewhere deep inside I know, the story does not end here. Here is where the clouds, the confusion, the delusion surfaces. I guess I am just trying to run away from myself. Make no mistake, not because I dont like being me or my character or my faults. No. I accept them and learn from them. Just the circumstances. I want to view myself from the outside. ( You might get a glimpse of it in the next post, what I mean by this. ) Get away from everything and see, what brought me to this edge, was I right or was I wrong. It is much the same as doping, but I prefer this way. Just to detach myself from me. Disengage from all the agitation, annoyance and anxiety. Again, I am unsure what good that would do. But nevertheless, it gives me some time out from the dilemma and torment. A vent to let off the steam....

It marks another beginning... For a change, let it be a positive one.

PS: Too much! Whew! I must be intelligent :P . How can my brain process so much thought. I am surprised...